A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
via Jokeaday.com
More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
via The Iron Pygg
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years younger.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet!"
"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran she prayed. "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late"....
All of the sudden, she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty. She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... but, don't shove me anymore, I am running as fast as I can!"
via Klean-jokes.com
A boss was complaining in his staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
via Jokeaday
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
"I want the house also." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 75 mph.
"I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster, now he's up to 85 mph. "And I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling as the speedometer reaches 90 mph. "You're taking this incredibly calmly," the wife says. "Isn't there anything that you want?"
"No, I have everything I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."
via Gagler.com
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!", he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and they were soon in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause, the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
A husband and wife are shopping when the wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
"Okay," the husband says, "how about a chair?"
via The Joke Fairy
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, "Lady, what you really want is a television set!"
via Joke A Day
In dire need of a beauty make-over, Mary went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model.
She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair.
Mary was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission Impossible."
via Joke A Day
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
via Joke A Day
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do all day?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
via Roxie@Tucson,AZ
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