My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said: "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You may enter."
The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You may come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days."
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
via Roxie@Tucson,AZ
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
The Zen Master is visiting Phoenix from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a bookdealer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later,the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The bookdealer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn,as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
via funnybone
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bozo knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
via jokeaday
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
via jokeaday
It was the best piece he had ever written. His masterpiece.
The story of a classic chess match told from the point of view of the least significant piece, the black queen's knight's pawn.
So he was devastated to receive the letter of rejection from his publisher.
"You should have known better." it read, "Our firm will never publish pawnography."
They hire a big shot advertsing agency and one of the salesman begins work on the advertsing campaign to sell these new "Tompkins nails".
After a month the salesman calls a meeting with the board of directors from Tompkins, so he can show them what he has come up with. The salesman pulls away the covers revealing a poster of Jesus
Christ nailed to a cross, and across the bottom in big letters it states "We used Tompkins Nails".
Well as you can imagine, not many of the directors were particulary impressed with this, and they thought that they had too may religious builders in the local trade that would be rather upset by this poster. They told the salesman he had another month to come up with something better.
A month later the salesman returns, revealing his new poster, this time showing Jesus running away
from the cross, the slogan now says......"We SHOULD have used Tompkins nails!"
via http://www.Idont'remember.com/
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